Recently I asked a few close friends "What could YOU envision me BEING when I "grow up"? The feedback including everything from me being a writer to a psychiatrist, a restaurant owner and an interior designer. Now while I'm sure they were probably influenced by my own schizophrenic rantings about how I too have envisioned myself in any of the aforementioned careers (not to mention motivational speaker and wedding planner) I must say that I felt somewhat flattered and even more inspired to stay on the path that I am on (albiet WINDING) because I've noticed that the threads that tie these fields together are for 1. Each career requires a great sense of leadership and foresight (creativity) to accomplish and 2. You've gotta be a GREAT "People Person" to be successful at any this stuff!
Hence my ::blushing:: Alas, I'm realizing that the biggest road blocks MANY of us probably feel halted by have to do with sheer indecision, and straight up FEAR. Fear that we will make the wrong choices for ourselves, fear that even if we make a choice it may be just to feel 'safe' and secure, or fear that if we don't choose what society (or otherwise irrelevant influencers) expects of us- we will fail to be a success. No matter which way you slice it- to quote my favorite film Waking Life: "Which is the most universal human characteristic-- fear or laziness?
I'm writing on this brisk Friday evening (wow actually it's Sat morning already!) Because I've decided that it's about time I come out and admit to falling prey to BOTH fear and laziness. (Luckily only strangers and very few of my good friends actually ever read this- so who cares?! LOL)
In all seriousness- I feel like tonight is [another] significant milestone in my life because I am choosing to really open up here and now- in this, yet another of my long-winded "BlAhGZ"! :)
SO WHAT could I possibly wanna ramble on about NOW? That's what you're thinking right? A lot... Although I've imagined the many ways that I would go about revealing the TRUE HOLLYWOOD-esk STORY behind "Kola", the bottom line is I just have to SPIT IT OUT. I'm sure once this ball gets rolling it will indeed knock down many of the aforementioned road blocks and probably relieve me of some "subconcious" stress I've probably been battling with for sometime now. So in keeping with my story teller kinda diary style- here we go...
Of course this story has been 25 years in the making- but really I'd say I started to really just "WAKE UP" about eight years ago.
If you watch or read anything to do with philosophy or psychology you'd probably agree that to "Wake Up" specifically means the time when a person starts becoming truly SELF-AWARE, and without going into all that gumbo, let's just say I was fed a cold bitter taste of REALITY and I'll never be the same again.
In the U-S of A they say that when a person turns 18 they are an "adult". Forgive my wikipedia-ing but the word "Adult" is defined as: "The term adult has at least three distinct meanings. It can indicate a biologically grown or mature person. It may also mean a plant, animal, or person who has reached full growth or alternatively is capable of reproduction, or the classification legal adult, generally determined as a person who has attained the legally fixed age of majority; as opposed to a minor."
(I know, I know- I'm getting all long-winded already, but if you want this story you've gotta earn it. So I hope you don't cheat by skipping any parts, just bare with me :} )
What CRACKS me up about this definition is the use of the words "MATURE" and "MAJORITY", because let's face it- we should all AGREE that AGE and MATURITY do not align in any predictable pattern, ESPECIALLY when we talk about the "majority" lol- but I digress. Basically I think the "Big Guy" upstairs MUST have thought this really was the time for me to BECOME an "Adult", and why I only half mean-it when I say I WISH he could've gone a lil EASIER on me- I've learned enough in these past eight years to truly ACCEPT the fact that had it NOT been FOR my EXPERIENCES, I would simply NOT be the strong, sensitive, thoughtful, forgiving and AWARE woman I am today. And the truth is I am grateful.
:::EXHALE::: Sheesh this is harder than I thought, but the onion IS opening up... So let's continue.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I'm "stressing" out imagining who might be the FIRST to read this and interrogate me further... and while I still don't necessarily MIND that, I am literally sitting here trying to FORCE my fingers to write the facts, because HISTORY- or in this case "HERstory" truly seems like a work of FICTION to me now. I want to tell ALL and it's like I don't know where to BEGIN so I may as well dig even deeper and start with a bit of my beginnings...
18-6=12
I started HighSchool when I was 12, sounds ridiculous I know but in NYC school starts in SEPT, my bday is in OCT. So I was a freshman at age 13- not too common in other states I've NOTICED, but that's that. I LOVED School, and as my rollercoaster ride currently leaves me dangling I can say that I've learned to MISS school AGAIN- c'est la vie. The Young Women's Leadeship was awesome, the FIRST of it's kind and I was so honored and proud to have gotten accepted! I know now that I often regress to this time in my life because I've often wondered "WHAT Would my life be if we stayed, if I went to NYU or Harvard, What If, What IF, WHAT IF???"
Alas, my family and I moved from NYC to Cali to Atlanta- so I'll never know, but that doesn't mean I can't still BE ALL I CAN or WANNA Be :) So I've learned to accept these detours as they occur!
Fast forward 13-16 I was slightly ReBellious in California (omg I was 15, WHO wasn't?! lol) I think the biggest TRIALS and ERRORS I encountered during this time in my life [obviously] heaved me on the path of T&E's because oh boy I just kept stepping in and outta fire ever since, and BOY have I been burnt...
Two more years and finally, we're back to age 18. High School was a complete joke by this point (when you bust your ass to keep above a 3.5gpa and then a rug gets pulled out from under you and you decide (with parents blessing) to basically just drop out and acquire a G.E.D- yup that happened to this guy!) It's needless to say- COLLEGE was not on my immediate list of priorities, but continued independance and helping my family financially- now that's where I thrived!
I saw quickly where my skills lay, begin searching for my bearings then decide to leave the 'burbs of GeorGia with my loving family to share the rent with a LAME BF and proceed to make even more money by switching gears to a more competitive sales job by day and an exclusive cocktail waitress by night- at the infamous [original] Club 112 (If I ONLY knew THEN, what I know NOW...)
Then suddenly a storm began to brew but all I saw was clear blue sky... And while I came so close to driving off into a sunset the storm came back and perched above my head.
It started with a "psst, psst" that OF COURSE- I ignored. Then in the blink of an eye a figure appeared and the mouth began to spew things that to this day I don't know were true or false, only that when it was questioned- "Why do men attempt to attract a women with petty cat calls when all that's required is a dash of eloquence in those same women's ears to get their attention?" Very good point I admitted, so why the heck did you try the former in the first place? Before I realized it I was engaging in a real life face to face with Damien himself... Had I only been more AWARE that the dark emptiness in his eyes was evil, Lord know's who or where I'd be today.
Once upon a time a snake approached a girl and convinced her to do the very thing that she "should have known" in her heart was not the wisest thing to do.
And when that girl took her first misstep, we'd hope that one would intervene and yet one couldn't? Was it only Natural for one step to lead to the next and to a destination that was predetermined for her?
I'd like to imagine that if we lived in a perfect world and I was Eve, would I be HAPPY, would I even KNOW my world was "PERFECT" unless something forced me to wake up and see what was really around me? If I could choose PERFECTION, how would I even know what the act of CHOOSING was? And again- how could I appreciate it?
I met a man and he knew all the words to say that allowed ME convince MYSELF that the choices he had shown me I could make were OK. And everything really was OK until he began to show more of his true colors and quickly I realized that I had gotten involved with something so trecherous- I honestly am amazed that I've come out of that dark time and realized so much since then. Most of all that I FORGIVE Him.
I have clearly not gone into depth or detail about what exactly it is that I have witnessed and I have survived. But I am working towards that goal.
THE MOST IMPORTANT thing that I've LEARNED to Realize since those experiences- and at this very moment, is that were it NOT for the LOVE I have for myself and others and the FAITH I have in GOD- that he or she or they or it is ALWAYS WITH ME, GUIDING ME, PROTECTING ME and now that I am aware, is also TEACHING ME, every moment... I could be dead- or worse- Asleep in Life's waiting room...
I continue to face great challenges in my life and I dedicate this blog to everyone who's FELT like ME, the way this BLAHG is as I've just written it, the way I am publishing it- SCATTERED and CONFUSED, because although it is a mess, although I AM A MESS, WE ARE A MESS TOGETHER! LoL... and so long as we can sincerely look ourselves in the mirror RIGHT NOW and SAY "GOD I AM GLAD TO BE ALIVE! THANK YOU FOR THIS DAY, THANK YOU FOR YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW, THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO BE A MESS TODAY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT WITH YOUR LOVE AND GUIDANCE- THE POWER OF YOUR LOVE AND GUIDANCE THAT EXISTS DEEP DOWN INSIDE OF ME AND ALL OF US- I WILL PREVAIL OVER ALL EVIL AND EXPERIENCE THE WONDER THAT IS THIS PERFECT MESS WE'RE IN!"
While I'm sure you can probably guess at some of the things I am referring to in this madness of blog- I invite you to just ASK QUESTIONS. While it's easy to say "I don't care what people think" in a way I don't- but most importantly, I care because I feel that above all, I exist to be a source for understanding for people. I believe that this vessel I am in has already lived multiple lives and is now compiling knowledge and LOVE, and I want to dispense it more intimately with you.
I may not EVER have all the "answers" but just the way people say "Ignorance is BLISS" so do I believe that omnipotence would be just as ignorant. For EVERY moment we EACH ENCOUNTER is a COMPLETELY UNIQUE, ONE-of-a-KIND, RARE, PRECIOUS and should be treated as such. I exist in your world only because you were drawn to me here, and you can take comfort in knowing that no matter if we've known eachother for a lifetime or have never met, you can trust and believe in me, because when you look into MY EYES there is LIFE and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and I am so eager to share it with as many as possible. I know that when I deliver MY TESTIMONY people will know that it is real because the only way I've become ABLE to KNOW how special and important this knowledge and love that is inside me IS was by EXPERIENCING the darkest and most empty of things. My only hope is that WITH my testimony will come awakenings for MANY that will ENABLE them to make WISER DECISIONS so that they can avoid at least SOME of the EXTREMES that I have encountered.
I believe that ALL of us have the power to be ministers in our own way- but it's only when we LABEL our actions that become strange permutations of what they OUGHT to be- which is why I always say "I HATE LABELS!" lol
So with this confusing, scattered but heart-felt message I say unto you- May the FORCE be WITH YOU! :) I know that it is WITH ME and I have made a real promise to myself and to the FORCE that from now on I MUST continue to open up, and PURSUE MY BEST SELF, FOR MYSELF AND FOR OTHERS!
Because ANYTHING is POSSIBLE with the POWER of GOD! AMEN!
with LOVE,
Kola
P.S. I meant to include a lot of stuff and totally went off on tangents (dude if you met my friend Jamie, he totally reminds me of a male version of the voice inside my head... lol anyway) I have to say that I promised to PRAY more because SPEAKING LIFE aka AFFIRMATIONS into the things we WANT from LIFE is really a HUGE factor in attaining those things... hence the REBIRTH of me- I know I've slacked off and I'm TIRED OF IT! I can't let anything slow me down anymore and I can stop feeling guilty for NOT praying enough by PRAYING MORE! I'm not even RELIGIOUS but I KNOW in my HEART it's right! So I'm DOING IT! Just Do It! :} I feel better already :::exhale::: <3
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